All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
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Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.