*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Is this a threat?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
💁🏻♂️
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
so no one told you life was gonna be this way