Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”