Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
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There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
6. me as a lawyer
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
#NeverForget
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.