who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
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I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.