[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
The real reason evolution started..😂
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
normalize having existential bread
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?