“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside