A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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WTF IS THAT!
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”