Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I bet
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation