I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
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my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons