Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
You Might Also Like
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”