The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.