I feel like one of these would kill a European
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.