ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
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Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Strange
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.