my fav colour is also hitler
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I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
This makes total sense…
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.