“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
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HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
What a website
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
need him
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I know this now 😂
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”