Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.