I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
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I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I didn’t realize that was an option
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos