[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
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when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
But is it really??
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
ok this is my dumbest yet
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
3% human
97% stress
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!