I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
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Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Happy Caturday!
2023 was just a warmup
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.