My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.