Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
You Might Also Like
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.