Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Good point.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds