“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
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Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
This kid is a star!
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble