I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
My neck my back my allergy attack
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.