“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
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ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.