‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
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Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Coffee for people with no kids
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe