My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN