I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
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Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Florida man
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.