Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
look at me when i’m typing to you
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.