Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
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100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …