Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
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I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.