5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
pls suprot
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.