A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
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The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
*mops up wine with cat*
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”