Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
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when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat