me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
You Might Also Like
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!