[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
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Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Ferrari squats
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.