Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
“That’s what” – She
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.