*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
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Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…