How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
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[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?