Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.