If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
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I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.