I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
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The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.