If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
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*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)