Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
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professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
No chill.