Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Every house has this drawer
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.