We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
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Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok