On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
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*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.