I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
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5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster