If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
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Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
But I really needed water water water
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent